And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. If youd rather not, I would love to immediately pretend this never happened and talk about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes, and then never bring it up again. But the female-seeming among us get hit with that kind of weirdly-broken thinking by our families and others endlessly in American and other western cultures. (Say it like he or she is complimenting you even though he or she is not.) . In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. It's time to break the silence and let her know that she shouldn't be nosing into your business when her life isn't anything special. I really wish I had some better scripts to deal with this stuff how do I limit our contact with her to a level where the kids and I are still happy to see her, without pissing her off? Me: .No. I wanted to stayyou can make why do you ask? be a friendly lineand you probably should. Helen Huntingdon, I dont want you to think Ive dismissed all your argumentsyouve certainly given me pause and gotten me to think about what my expectations are. Im super introverted and have medium to high levels of anxiety, depending on the situation. It doesnt mean Im not an interesting person or my life is less meaningful if Im selective about who I share the details of my life with. It took some practice, but I always try to give an out for people, especially since I have a group of Japanese friends where theyre used to giving a soft no. 200 Sarcastic Quotes 1. If you follow through with people you actually want to see (as in, Can I let you know tomorrow? = You actually let them know one way or another tomorrow), you arent being a jerk by not responding immediately to their questions or invitations, and you dont owe a full accounting of your time. Ive learned a lot of strategies.). This realization is making me like Tuesdays more.) We received your email and will get back to you with a (human) response as soon as possible. And I understand many of your points. I mean, they might not vote for an actual white supremist, but that belief is definitely lurking there (like, even if they dont vote for an out-and-out white supremist, they still have the belief that white people are leadership material than poc); and they might not say these things to your face, but they will do/say things that prop up model minority nonsense (eg, anti-Blackness in the presence of other racial minorities) and are nice only as long as you stay in your place and dont challenge them as long as you dont call them out or challenge their perception of what poc can do, as in your example. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. And when I say angling, it might not be in a cornering way. 2. There was a bit at first, and SHE had some learning to do in terms of how she reacted (example: her dad said, Were going over to Grandmas tonight, and she started to blow up at us about making plans for her. The week after is all good. Developed with the most common customer inquiries in mind, these responses give customer service reps the power to represent your brand with uniformity, accuracy, and speed. I actually have an answer for this one. Once upon a time I had a friend. I dont remember why anymore but at some point I agreed to share my google calendar with this friend. I think the idea at first was to make it easier to plan hangouts. Are you willing? or, if Im feeling that Im entitled to demand it, Ill say, are you available? (example: Im not going to react well if you want to play Minecraft instead of helping me wrap the favors for grandpas birthday dinner; if youre getting together with friends, online or IRL, or doing homework, OK). Nanani, that is absolutely true. Ive spent some time in California and I never really know how to respond correctly. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! Indoor Cat raised some good points. I read that post all the time. What are you up to? Wanna do something? or You free Saturday? That way, he proudly announced, he never owed them a favor in return. Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. I actually trained my mother out of this question by responding to every vague What are you doing on X? by saying Tell me what you really want to know. Fortunately, my mother is a reasonable person who understands boundaries, and mostly just laughed and said Good point, Z is going on and Id like to go and wanted company. She also totally gets my introversion and that sometimes I dont have anything going on but Id still rather not do Z is a perfectly valid answer. It helps that shes not as tech savvy, so I can get away with the excuse of well my calendar is on my phone and I cant check it at the same time as talking on the phone, even though I can, she doesnt know that. My mum likes to do similar things, trying to out me on the spot and pressure me to agree to things when Im on the phone to her. but I agreeparents of adult children (Hell, parents of NOT adult children) need to be more respectful of their childrens time and energy. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. Theres this implication that the only reason you would ever want to say no to their request is if youre already busy, and yeah, thats annoying. Me: Nope. Oh you want to invite me to happy hour [with a bunch of colleagues I hate when theyre sober let alone when theyre drunk]? (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). If you want to invite them, INVITE. Instead we got stuck attending an MLM pitch. Its harder to say if someone doesnt do their fair share of emotional labor, or figuring out their fair share of chores if theyre not physically or mentally able to do the same amount as you. To those who suggested building better boundaries with my family: Good advice. Or is it more like she doesnt get involved into such decisions but you expect her to follow through and water your radishes? Every time you see Pushy Neighbor, you go into this mode. leaving them vulnerable to all kinds of predation as teens and young adults. Of course, he keeps doing it his way, so I just ask dunno, why? My DH reminds me when predictable events are coming up and advises me to fill up my calendar! Another interesting look at how varied cultural/regional norms and peoples own experiences can be. But, I think the conclusion there is, thats not on me. Someone responding with why do you ask? would basically make me instantly take a mental step back from that person in terms of comfort level. Oh, yes, white supremacy/racism in action. I make a special point to not do that, not even if the thing Im asking for help with is sort of non-negotiable. that sounds fun! If theyre just curious, they can say so, if they want to invite you to something, it gives them the chance, and if you feel like engaging further, you can. After decades of various sorts of problem behavior from my father, I literally hit a brick wall of having had enough, and weve been done ever since. I hate this question too because likeI dont always pick up on it! You might not know exactly what you want to do in life, but you certainly know what you don't want to do. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. It feels like they expect me to put in the majority of the effort, and it would be nice if once in a while instead of saying I dont see you enough they would say Would you be up for meeting up at the coffee shop on my town on Saturday if [their issues] allow? But its not something thats going to change, so I smile and nod at their noises and continue to plan things with them at exactly the rate I feel like doing so (including making extra effort if theyre going through a really tough thing). I had a two-day conversation with my cat about vacuums versus lint rollers. But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe. Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. I know its a big favor, but obviously I would pay you, and I have cable, high-speed internet, and a chocolate fountain with dark, milk, and bittersweet streams. Are you asking where are you from of every person you meet the first time, or only of those whose appearance/accent makes you suspect they are not from your locality? Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. If I always have to be the one reaching out, that can feel either like the emotional and planning labor are being taken for granted, or like they dont actually care whether they see me. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. 21. LW specifically said that LW is not bothered by this in peer-friends. I guess I run with a very specific social crowd and it hasnt occurred to me in a while that its not always doable to say Im going to do CRAFTS ALONE, its going to be awesome. But I used to be in a grad program where people were super competitive, and if I said oh my god Im going to stay in this weekend, Im so peopled-out people would be lowkey mean about how I wasnt networking/studying/running charity marathons enough. 4. I completely agree that when it comes to a duty (like babysitting) this question is somewhat unfair. I get the rude stealth favor askers too and it irritates. Maybe we could get together. This sentence should never be solo. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. Lessons in Love from Julia Roberts Movies true tho like next t inme ill say this and it will. I need you to babysit. We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? @Helen Huntingdon, that is good to know, re feelings and setting off yellow flags. If they want to invite me to something Im interested in and available for, I can say yes, and if its something I cant do, I can say I have other plans, etc without it sounding weird. This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. A question is not a legal summons, you can literally ignore it if you want! after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being.. A party people pop quiz so to speak. Nothing much. (To the point where one of my coworkers will sometimes ask What are you doing this weekend? What Will You Do This Weekend? - englishforums.com Examples include: Good, nice sunny day out there. Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. The Captain covered it with saying the question isnt going away. Thanks! Im glad for the above scripts! , I am in a cat trance. I feel like its somewhat related to not saying no also). I dont know whether youre being too thoughtful or not thoughtful enough here. On the other hand, being around them makes my shoulders go up around my ears. Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. On the other end, I have a tactic for weekend planning. (Rememberif she had specific other plans, thats a reasonable excuse. Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. But they seemed concerned that this type of answer was not appropriate or that there might be a better strategy. Im trying to train her out of the habit. For that matter, even confident people can fall into the What are you doing Thursday? trap when theyre trying to sound unassertive. You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. Your kids are loud. Improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett 4. The cousin wanting a servant. You can try to head it off by always responding with some activity youre doing that could theoretically make you busy if it turns out you need to be busy But frankly if someone is trying to manipulate you then you have a manipulative person problem, not a specific question problem. They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. If the other person isnt in a chatty mood, we go comfortably silent after a few pleasantries because the Small Talk Gods have been appeased. Be here at 6.. Folding the dishes. We went swimming in the lake and had a little bonfire." This is a good response to use when your weekend with family was more on the slow-paced side but was nonetheless enjoyable. "Continue breathing." BTW, the most usual response to that last exchange is, "Works for me!" Depending upon the sophistication of the inquisitor, the final line may be "Continued respiration." Sponsored by Interview Success Formula Job interview secrets revealed. Its okay that I dont want to tell my coworkers the details of what Im reading and I get to choose who I want to share details of my life with. More and more, Ive been owning that I dont ever have to say yes. If it is in fact a lead up to an invitation or request I can always either find room for it or say I dont have time. Oh, surviving, surviving. 86 Funny and Flirty Responses To 'How Are You Doing?' - Monk at 25 Good luck! @TootsNYC Just wanted to say that I really like the phrasing you spell out in your first comment, in that youre acknowledging that youre making a request for your daughters time and effort. My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. Numbered point 4 specifically says LW doesnt understand why people are asking this, hence the many explanations of different reasons people ask, and while the possible manipulation is noted in numbered points 2 and 3, its not the only thing LW is asking about, while point 3 suggests to me that LW may well be reading manipulation into cases where people are just curious or are actually trying to do the planning themselves (by finding out if LW is even available for a possible activity), not trying to make zir do the planning, as ze suspects. How are you? As I stated above, it can even affect quality of healthcare and employment opportunities. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? 1. LW, one of the things you could do is take a hobby (or pretend to) and have that as your backup plans. I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. Funny How To Respond To WYD (What Are You Doing) Texts 4) "When asked what I did over the weekend, I reply, 'Why, what did you hear?'" 5) And it's weekend memes baby!!! People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. I might be up for casual after work hangs but not going clubbing in that sketchy bar across town. Thats just how some people ask I suppose. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. Man, that sounds great, but I know Im forgetting something on my calendar. Enjoying life and nothing else. after Ive made my piece clear. Are you planning something?. I definitely would never say this to in-law oversteppers. This, maybe prefaced with mostly working or some generic busy thing. However, there are a lot of male people who use this approach on female people because they are trying to be coercive. If the emphasis is on you its just a greeting. This is how I deal with it: I want collaborators, not pupils. There is literally a meme that says When you ask me what Im doing today and I say Nothing, it does not mean Im free. (In this case it was never exactly meant to result in actually doing anything), Them We need to have lunch soon For example, when Sean Hayes started to sing "beautifully" on the show, Ellen said, "Ok, we have to take a break.". So the LWs anger at nosy questions is more than justified. Unless your friends are kind of jerks they wont interrogate you about your exact schedule. 3. Thats my favorite response! This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. 10 Funny Out of Office Messages You Will Want to Copy It gets exhausting dealing with Got any plans this weekend? starting on Wednesday and then What did you do this weekend? again on Monday. None of us see each other over weekends. 2. I guess its a cultural thing, I come from a non-English speaking country in Europe and here, I feel, admitting that you dont have Plans-Plans, and then declining an invitation, would be seen as pretty rude. You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!. Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? Funny Responses To What Are You Doing Actively waiting for my problems to go away. One thing to add if youre not in the headspace to perform happy (thanks for putting it so well, @Mookie), taking it day by day is also a cliched but handy phrase. person: Hey, hiya, rya? Follow. So, it's perfectly . So of course, you tell her, youll all walk separately from now on (keep the cheery loud voice of happy certainty and smile hugely the whole time). If you have never phrased commands to her that way, yup, thats on her. Then you can do x with/for me! just blatantly assuming that if you are free, then you will obviously want to do this thing. If its not something Im into, I feel pressure to say yes because she knows Im not busy. Is that the best you've got. What you are currently doing. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. I think it can also be a way of getting to know a person, or the kind of small talk that people in some regions feel they HAVE to make if they want to be polite. Absolutely! I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? Later the grad students said the table turned to remarking on the professor as soon as she was out of earshot, including their surprise that she could be a professor of engineering. But it is a cost. I, personally, like to ask what are you doing this weekend, something fun? when small-talking with my co-workers and friends, and I also hate this question with a passion when its a step to an actual invitation (two very different things!). Which I guess was appropriately scary for the season? I understand commenters who dont see this question as anything more than polite small talk. I also feel compelled to give easy ways out when I feel like Im making a request, including ending requests with and no is a perfectly acceptable answer.. Umm.pardon me, I wasn't listening. Just about the only good answer is, That doesnt work for me/us, followed by, Asked and answered, when they dont want to take that answer. Especially since they explicitly mention friends, relatives, and people on dating sites. 76 Best Replies and Answers to How Are You Doing? - Trending Us So, since my unspoken fear in this situation is that Ill have revealed my availability for an activity I dont want to do and that Ill be too polite to outright say I dont want to go, I figured I might as well express it, even if jokingly. I appreciate the suggestions about responses, having to deal with a pushy in-law (nosy for information and has a big sense of entitlement). Plus, young women and girls arent stupid they know that most people will view them as being at the absolute bottom of the dominance pecking order and will resent it if they dont answer questions put to them. Go For a Run: Once again, running will not require spending any money, only your energies. It gives you a window into each others lives and invites you to share something about yourself. If its someone from work that I have no personal relationship with, then Any plans this weekend? just sounds like office small talk, the forward-looking version of How was your weekend? If its someone I know personally, then Are you doing anything tomorrow? sounds like a way to try to trick me into agreeing to do something not-fun (because if it was fun, theyd ask outright). So the correct answer is, "I'm hanging out with you." Most of the time, that's the right answer. If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. I think feeling unsafe crosses the line where a relationship cant be repaired. I understand how it can be othering and I never ask anyone where theyre from first. E- Engage in the fun. Its like theyre trying to help you come up with justifications for saying no before they even ask you the question. Please note, Ive explained why I often say no and that Im very much a loner. It's funny I don't even register the question "How are you?" (I've lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to "You alright?" which, functionally, isn't that different. In ways that I doubt he even always notices. This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. 1. I also (insert similar hobby or interest). Helen Huntington already explained it very well. I know it is super common usage as a general term for silly / disorganised but its actually an ablist term which a lot of people with disabilities have had thrown at them as a slur. 20 Funny Out-of-Office Messages to Inspire Your Own [+ Templates] - HubSpot And she might feel hurt that Id rather do nothing than do something with her. All five are information-seeking: listen closely, and you will learn something about that person's life, character, and ideas. Examples include: I'm so glad you reached out to me! I never thought about the fact that some people might be actually trying to relieve the pressure! I also come from an area that tends to do a lot more indirect communication than I think many parts of the US, though, and tend to prefer a softer communication style unless someones being either rude or unaware enough to force me into being blunt. If you dont want to do something tell them youre not allowed and your parents are really strict etc. If its something Im keen on, the answer is, Woot! and then if I do end up wanting to do whatever it is they want to do, suddenly my schedule cleared up! Lots of commenters here are noting that people ask about weekend plans as small talk. Answer vaguely. Feel free to say no if youre busy/dont want to, usually leads to assurances that she *totally* does want to hang out, Saturday is great, etc. This is how I feel too. But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. And so if it happens to me, I wind up agreeing to the thing even if maybe I normally wouldnt have, because now I have no valid excuse for declining. When someone is fishing for a date or a maybe-babysitter, though, I turn it right back around on them. 18. Why do I feel entitled to some assistance or attention from the 24-year-old who lives in my home, taking up space, who pays nothing and does no chores (because shes too unreliable, and Id just be nagging at her, or doing them for her and pissing her off)? . If someone challenges me on something, my default response is to assume the other person is right and I am wrong. The joke about (insert joke) cracked me up on your profile. I will have to remember, the next time I must declare myself to a new prospective partner, to offer up the alternative plan of talking about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes and then never bringing it up again. Yep, my wife and I too. The fallout you talk about? What about you?. He taught me that its always polite to leave someone a face-saving way out of a social situation, so if you want to ask someone to go do something, give them a certain date/time, so if they dont want to go they can say sorry I have other plans without anyone feeling awkward. Since youre not busy, do you want to go to [event] with me? This one is a bit tricky for me. Thats just the question it looks like. Climbing mt laundry! I really like this point! What to Say: "Thank you, I had a great weekend.". Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. People use it for all sorts of reasons. Why not set up a rent in dollars or set hours of work, and have done? Baking a cake. And that goes triple if youre less privileged. Funny Responses to Rude Comments Sorry fella, I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today. As a lot of commenters have pointed out what are you doing this weekend can be asked in a variety of contexts with a variety of motives BUT one thing that has tended to work well for me is to just pick one thing Im to talk about without mentioning when it is: Im looking forward to my birdwatching class! or Partner and I are going on a hike! and then asking about their weekend. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. That wasnt an assumption it came directly from what you posted about deciding to take her leisure time.